On the Road

On the Road: 2002

"Start your day off with a BAM!"
2 August 2002

While lamenting the lack of large mugs of coffee in Europe with a colleague here in The Hague, we came up with the ultimate solution: BAM! (Big Ass Muggs!). Coffee in Europe is served in virtually child-size portions, shots of caffeine rather than real cups. BAM! will be the answer for those used to something... more.

By the way, my co-worker, Carmen, is a delightful Portuguese Canadian who is, oddly enough, not a big fan of Nelly Furtado (another Portuguese Canadian).

The name "Big Ass Muggs" contains two "G's" because of the gratuitous use of the word "ass."

Here's what we envision: A conveniently-located chain of coffee shops open 24/7 and featuring a culture-specific menu of items to entice both the locals and the tourist.

We already have a few slogans:

"Start your day off with a BAM!"
"Big Ass coffee at small ass prices."
"You know you want a Big Ass."

We're going to have Big Ass menus and we'll sell Big Ass T-shirts along with, naturally, Big Ass mugs.
Our first market will be The Nederlands. Here, we'll serve coffee and Dutch coffee (if ya know what I mean). We'll provide two entrances. One will be classy, for the traditional coffee consumer. The other will be a graffiti-riddled doorway, offering entrance to the more smokey rooms of the coffee shop.

There will be Big Ass billboards proclaiming our arrival in the marketplace, including a big balloon Big Ass stationed on the rooftop of Schiphol's international terminal.

All beverages will be available for stay (with a small surcharge for the ambience) or take away (a Big Ass in a diaper, the wrap-around cardboard cushion). Take away cups will also feature resealable plastic lids, with a sip hole that can be snapped back into place to help keep the beverage warm between sips. In The Nederlands, our experience has been the lids are solid, with only a small vent hole in the top. Very inconvenient.

We'll also offer a Prime Ass Club for "regular" customers. Customers will get their frequent-buyer card stamped between the cheeks of our high-tech stamper.

Our enticing menu will include the following selections:

Big Ass Coffees
Bare Ass - regular black coffee
Dumb Ass - decaf coffee
Lickin' Ass - hazelnut coffee
Kiss Ass - mocha latte
Baby Ass - espresso
Pimply Ass - cappuccino with cinnamon
Hairy Ass - mocha latte with chocolate chips on top
Smart Ass - double espresso
Candy Ass - black coffee with sugar
Sour Ass - lemon tea
Hard Ass - cognac and coffee
Kick Ass - coffee and Bailey's
Lilly White Ass - milk
Chocolate Covered Ass - hot chocolate

Recipes are forthcoming for the following:
Happy Ass
Sorry Ass
Shiny Ass
Bony Ass
Dimply Ass
Slimy Ass
Wise Ass
Lame Ass
Crazy Ass
Cranky Ass
Fuzzy Ass
Shaved Ass
Lard Ass
Fat Ass
Skinny Ass
Droopy Ass
Hot Ass
Tight Ass

Smell My Ass: Gourmet Teas
Sour Ass - lemon tea
Smelly Ass - green tea
Perky Ass - peppermint
Firm Ass - raspberry

Assholes: Donut Holes
Just imagine somebody walking up to the counter and saying,
"I'd like a half-dozen sugar-coated assholes, please.
Along with a Cranky Ass in a diaper."

Dutch Coffee
(Big Ass Marijuana)
On the menu will be life-enhancing options
such as Mattijuana and Carmen's Carmic Collage

Thinking in terms of growth opportunities, we hope to launch the first international rap artist inspired by a coffee/donut shop. Potential names include Ass T and Snoop Ass. The first song will, no doubt, be a cover of the classic "Baby Got Back."

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