"Start your day off with a BAM!"
2 August 2002
While lamenting the lack of large mugs of coffee in Europe with a colleague here in The Hague, we came up with the ultimate solution: BAM! (Big Ass Muggs!). Coffee in Europe is served in virtually child-size portions, shots of caffeine rather than real cups. BAM! will be the answer for those used to something... more.
By the way, my co-worker, Carmen, is a delightful Portuguese Canadian who is, oddly enough, not a big fan of Nelly Furtado (another Portuguese Canadian).
The name "Big Ass Muggs" contains two "G's" because of the gratuitous use of the word "ass."
Here's what we envision: A conveniently-located chain of coffee shops open 24/7 and featuring a culture-specific menu of items to entice both the locals and the tourist.
We already have a few slogans:
"Start your day off with a BAM!"
"Big Ass coffee at small ass prices."
"You know you want a Big Ass."
We're going to have Big Ass menus and we'll sell Big Ass T-shirts along with, naturally, Big Ass mugs.
Our first market will be The Nederlands. Here, we'll serve coffee and Dutch coffee (if ya know what I mean). We'll provide two entrances. One will be classy, for the traditional coffee consumer. The other will be a graffiti-riddled doorway, offering entrance to the more smokey rooms of the coffee shop.
There will be Big Ass billboards proclaiming our arrival in the marketplace, including a big balloon Big Ass stationed on the rooftop of Schiphol's international terminal.
All beverages will be available for stay (with a small surcharge for the ambience) or take away (a Big Ass in a diaper, the wrap-around cardboard cushion). Take away cups will also feature resealable plastic lids, with a sip hole that can be snapped back into place to help keep the beverage warm between sips. In The Nederlands, our experience has been the lids are solid, with only a small vent hole in the top. Very inconvenient.
We'll also offer a Prime Ass Club for "regular" customers. Customers will get their frequent-buyer card stamped between the cheeks of our high-tech stamper.
Our enticing menu will include the following selections:
Recipes are forthcoming for the following:
Smell My Ass: Gourmet Teas
Sour Ass - lemon tea
Smelly Ass - green tea
Perky Ass - peppermint
Firm Ass - raspberry
Assholes: Donut Holes
Just imagine somebody walking up to the counter and saying,
"I'd like a half-dozen sugar-coated assholes, please.
Along with a Cranky Ass in a diaper."
(Big Ass Marijuana)
On the menu will be life-enhancing options
such as Mattijuana and Carmen's Carmic Collage
Thinking in terms of growth opportunities, we hope to launch the first international rap artist inspired by a coffee/donut shop. Potential names include Ass T and Snoop Ass. The first song will, no doubt, be a cover of the classic "Baby Got Back."
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