VERY, VERY LATE EDITION - Tuesday - 11 January U2005 For What It's Worth
MATTHATTAN (MP) - Mattimus' favorite alter ego, the White Jamaican, resurfaced in Amsterdam late in 2004 and managed to successfully dismantle a Mattomic bomb.
An incurable and unapologetic Bonoholic known for having a severe case of U2rettes Syndrome, the return of the White Jamaican was one benefit for the megalomaniac who spent most of 2004 in what would best be described as a sabbatical from the rigors of world domination. The change in pace was made possible when the scales finally tipped ever so slightly in favor of the Mattopian mandate for a balanced lifestyle that incorporates rock stars, movie stars, and a wee bit of domestication in addition to the usual madness of Guinness and travel.
During the respite, Mattimus began a search for three chords and the truth, taking up guitar lessons and expanding his diverse catalog of tunes, including Ode to Joy, Jingle Bells, and Brown Eyed Girl. Even so, Mattimus is a little behind schedule in his quest to become U2's fifth member.
Inside This Edition:
Photos courtesy of the Mattsonian National Archives.
The hard-rocking Mattimus has already broken a few strings. Unfortunately, they didn't break while "shredding the fret board," they broke while tuning the guitar.
Nonetheless, the man is truly becoming very bad to the bone. So much so that even dogs howl at his sterling renditions of classic pop tunes.
As anticipation builds, watch out for Mattimus' upcoming tour. Subscribers will get e-mail notices of ticket pre-sale dates! It'll be your chance to howl.
My Soul Is A Diva
With the soul finally back at the helm, life now offers a whole new set of unforeseen challenges.
When the soul's singing and doing what it was meant to do, it's a beautiful thing. Otherwise, true to diva form, it starts to bitch and then things get ugly. Sometimes no amount of blue M&M's in a diamond-studded vase can satisfy the diva.
In hopes of satisfying the restless soul, Mattimus took off for a European vacation in November, bought the new U2 CD two days before it hit stores in the United States and enjoyed the album in relative "seclusion" while riding the trains of Europa.
With this new musical accompaniment, Mattimus took his soul for a walk of Forrest Gump proportions through the streets and canals of Amsterdam.
While the first night of the vacation was disrupted by nightmares revolving around the "day job," they didn't last and the rest of the trip was spent dreaming of electric guitars - out loud, in high volume - and other, secret, stuff.
Now that the soul is content and taking a well-deserved nap, there's a battle brewing for the heart of Mattopia, but it's always been a strong heart and nothing short of catastrophic success is anticipated. Goal: Career Change. Advantage: Good Guys.
Meanies And Dates
One sage piece of wisdom: dating isn't a job when you're with the right person. Finding that right person, though, is another story. The forthcoming dating Web site, Mattster.com, will surely benefit all of Mattopian society in fulfilling that mission.
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Home Is Where You Hang Your Crown
On the domestic front, after several years of fits and starts and a couple iterations of Homebuying for Dummies, Mattimus has family settled into Stately Matt Manor. The move was driven, in part, by the Mattopian Association of Residential Safety, Health, and Aesthetics' (MARSHA) declaration of the old abode as unfit. Tripping over DVDs, CDs, and books was becoming a significant safety hazard.
In keeping with Mattopia's policy of glasnost and perestroika, visitors are encouraged to take advantage of the (yet to be furnished) Lincoln Loft. With a generous contribution to MATTAID, enjoy an evening of Mattopian hospitality (what exactly that means is still to be determined).
As for Mattopia.com, it's inching closer to the bigger vision and Mattimus is pleased to see a diverse range of people visited the site in 2004. The U.N. visit in particular did his heart good; Mattimus hopes they got an education and he hopes that's a sign the world is finally starting to see things his way.
Other happy news from the Visitor's Center includes the discovery of a BBC link to Mattopia and that fan sites for PJ Harvey and Shakira have also linked to Mattopia's content.
In short, the People’s Republic of Mattopia is slowly achieving the goal of "greater relevance" on the world stage. The key words for 2005 are: More. Much MORE.
In Pursuit of the New Bohemia: Truth • Beauty • Freedom • Love
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